For the benefit of those who are sick and tired of reading about me and my self-hate, If you're one of them, turn back now.

There are times when I wonder why the hell I try. Everything I do ends up turning to shit. I find myself to wonder why the hell I even exist, when all I seem to do is complicate matters. I can't even cheer up those who I feel closest to any more, purely because I'm not my usual cheery self.

I guess it's been like this since February. When I was removed from BT, it all turned to shit.
This was evident about a week later, that everything had turned around. Before my disciplinary, Mum said "Don't worry, you'll be fine, we'll stand by you". A week later and apparently tha was bullshit. Mum unloads on me sayingthat I'm just floating aimlessly through life. And the thing is, she's right. I have nothing to live FOR, and THAT is my problem.

So for the last three months, I've ben trying to pick myself up. And failing. People have tried to help, and I thank them, sometimes they have even succeeded to a degree, but in essence, I still feel like a fucking useless bastard.

Don't worry, I am not about to do anyting that would cause you to fret about me. I made a promise to Aileen thta I wouldn't, and if I can't keep promises to my best friend, then I guess everything I ever told myself about the stregth of my friendships was a lie.

I need something to put my mind to. I need short-term goals. Ambition is what I lack.

Help me...